Men – Their Work and Their Women

Conscious or not, a man’s greatest fear may not be death, but the fear that he has not lived his own true life. I know when men in their 40s, 50s and up come to therapy, outside of their immediate concerns, want answers to questions like: “What are the tasks that somewhere deep down inside I know I must undertake? What fears block me? How can I bring my work and soul closer together? Where am I going and who is coming with me (Never the other way around)? What is my calling?”

If we make a connection during the initial interviews and I feel they come in good faith regarding the inner journey I’ll accompany them for as long as needed or requested….always keeping in mind that all the important answers will come from within them. These answers will reveal themselves in their visions, night-time dreams, desires and passions, their imagination and their personal code of honour. After all, a man is his journey.

At one time or another in our lives we come to the ‘crossroads’ where we’re given an opportunity to change, we’re given a choice. At that point the ‘weight of meaninglessness’ as promoted by the empty celebrity culture, the insulting horseshit put out by Madison Avenue and the sociopathy of predatory capitalism by our corporations has to be acknowledged. We can no longer be a slave to the ‘prosperty gospel’ of the so-called American Dream and the barren promise inherent in it. It’s time for a new revolution to combat the greed and abuse of power all around us, remembering always that all soulful revolutions start within the individual self.

When we hit the crossroads of our lives we can either slide back into the pseudo safety of unconscious anonymity and acquiescence like the ‘Silent Majority’ or we can, like Thoreau, slip into the woods and find our souls. In order to do this inner work we have to bear solitude, at least for a while. The ability to be alone as well as the ability for intimate relationships are required by our souls.

At the crossroads a man also has to become clear about his relationship with woman. If he is still insecure and weak, he will remain a prisoner of his own fears and either (1) try to dominate and ruthlessly control or (2) become clingy and emotionally dependent. Dependency and Hate come together. It’s a fact that we hate those who we are neurotically dependent on and it doesn’t matter if we passively submit or cruelly dominate. When neurotic dependency controls a marriage, life becomes tragic for both partners. Love is replaced by the Shadow of power. It doesn’t matter whether we attempt to control others by overt bullying and bulldozing or by covert manipulation and poisoning.

Unconscious men are forever lost between need, desire, fear and rage for women. The only way out is to acknowledge the need, fear, desire and rage in full consciousness. These insecurities, feelings of helplessness and especially fears are best shared with other men, our peers. In this arena only men can help heal us, not women. I get together with my peers every Sunday and what a blessing it has been.

On the road to healing we do not have to fearfully submit or excessively please our women nor do we have to control or dominate them…. they are our equal partners.

All of us, men and women alike, have battle scars and lost gallons of blood in this ongoing battle of the sexes, which began 40 years ago when the traditional masculine and feminine roles were blown to smithereens – unprecedented in human history. It is time to heal and there is hope if we can only listen to the Great Mother, who teaches us to dialogue and not monologue, to feel, to intuit, to be kind and set up a hospitable environment so that the archetypal gods of Joy, Forgiveness, Peace and Grace can again enter human discourse and relationships.