When we’re in the grips of jealousy it overwhelms as if we’re in a state of possession. Looking closer into jealousy we can also find some or all of these: feeling abandoned, small, helpless, afraid, dependent, ashamed, judgmental, attached, anxious, revengeful, needing to be loved, angry and enraged. No wonder it’s such a complicated emotion to understand and integrate.
Jealousy involves a triangle – oneself, one’s partner and the ‘other’, who in our fantasy is frequently stronger, better looking, funnier, wealthier, smarter etc… These fantasies in themselves can be helpful to us as they point out our feelings of inadequacy as well as our inner critic. They can be a catalyst for inner work. Jealousy draws out a strange cast of characters in us- the detective, the moralist, the paranoid and the archconservative (T. Moore).
In jealousy, even a person who prides himself in being tolerant and libertarian is revealed to be a moralist and a purist. Being identified with innocence and purity can bring out the coldest brutality precisely because one is so blind to the violent potential within oneself. It’s ironic that some who stray first in a relationship are plagued with jealousy as they project their own untrustworthiness on to their partners.
Since jealousy has been with us since the beginning, Thomas Moore asks how can jealousy contribute to soul? If there were no jealousy, he says, too many events and too many connections would take place without a deepening of intimacy, which only a relationship with one partner brings. Jealousy serves soul by pressing for limits and reflections. Sometimes jealousy is a signal that the relationship needs more communication and intimacy. When we long for new experiences and new people, jealousy remembers attachment and the pain of separation and divorce, and protects home, family and marriage. We all live with the paradox of being utterly alone and being dependent on each other. There certainly can be dignity in dependency even though it goes against modern notions, which only promote independence. There is, however, a difference between saying, “I need you because I love you” and “I love you because I need you”. Both partners need to share in acknowledgement of dependency; otherwise one becomes the ‘independent’ one and the other the ‘codependent’ one, which always leads to trouble. Jealousy when conscious and not obsessive seems to add passion to our relationships and can enhance fulfillment in sex.
Finally, jealousy becomes obsessive when we try to hide it. It becomes poisonous when we don’t own it. When we face it head on it looses its compulsive quality. So when jealously jabs at your heart, cop to it, educate yourself and bring it to levels beyond rage and empty suspicion. The only way out of jealousy is through it!
Dr. Peter Milhado ©2010
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
The idea that a women, any person, that demonstrates a fear of heights, as a physical (symbolic) expression of her fear to act on or pursue a true vocation, i.e., to step out – is, of course, utter nonsense.
If there is any correlation at all I would suggest that it is the opposite of your contention.
The fear of heights is a sensitivity to spacial relationships, provided or missing, coupled to an obsessive focus on the physical symptoms.
In other words, line the high cliff road with trees and the
sufferer enjoys (a sense of security) via the visual relationship – take the trees away the sufferer feels ungrounded and therefore anxious…. Take the sufferer’s mind off the issue, and the opportunity to panic is missed………..without a word spoken regarding deeper,
psychological issues like a fear of exploring ones world, i.e. personal potential.
The simple fact is that sufferers can overcome a fear of heights to a large degree without challenging the risks you list as “at the bottom” of the fear.
Where, on the other hand – challenging their fear of heights may open up the sufferer to a more relaxed,
flexible mind set, which might allow greater growth in those “other” areas.
However, I do agree that tolerance of anxiety is a pre-requisite in lessening one’s sensitivity to, and the occurrence of, all types Phobic attack.
Drugs are for people who cannot function – courage,
is for people who are afraid to cross over the bridge, but do it anyway – and neither have anything to do with potty training!!!!!!!!!!!
By the way – “Love to Mother Meera” is a personal (inside)
greeting that confuses and alienates your readers.
Why in the world would I sign off on this response
with a personal greeting.
Matt Faust – 60 years experience suffering from phobias
and I’m not buying into your explanation.
Dr. Milhado, it has been too long: I will correct that next year & visit. Your writings are wonderful & of great help to myself & the many, many people who are struggling to get through each day.
60 years is a loooooong time
i agree with you !!its the way i feel when im jealosy