By the time men reach their middle years they have to be able to deal with two powerful emotions, namely grief and anger. If grief and anger are pushed away and denied they automatically produce depression. Grief is honest, and while it is painful to express, it is cleansing and healing. For example, men must openly grieve for the wounds caused by their fathers. Often these wounds are not inflicted deliberately.
Anger is a legitimate and healthy response to being hurt and wounded. Like any powerful emotion, anger does not go away, but goes somewhere, i.e., ulcers, depression, digestive problems, etc. Men need to get angry at the wound and the wounder. If the son is wounded by his father, and if there is a chance anger may clear the air, the son must risk expressing his anger. This will give a chance to a new beginning. If the son truly feels the anger will destroy the relationship, he can choose to contain it. However, he absolutely has to confront the rage within himself; otherwise he will wound his son with the same rage.
Each man must judge whether his father’s wounds were passed on to him. If he finds himself repeating his father’s life patterns he has to find the courage to look in the mirror and cop to it – this is not an easy task. If he finds himself reacting to his fathers patterns by living out behavior patterns that are the exact opposite of his father’s, he is still under the power of the father complex because he is just reacting and therefore not living his own life. We cannot change the past, and often, we cannot change the outer father-son relationship, but we must acknowledge the reality of our past experiences, which includes grief and anger. Only truth sets us free! We can do this by exploring and asking, “What were my father’s wounds? What were his sacrifices? Did he live out his own soulful dreams? What was my father’s unlived life and am I living it for him? What did he receive from his father? Did he ever ask questions like this?” When we ask these questions sincerely, our father can also become our brother who has suffered a similar ordeal. When we understand our fathers better, it lifts us out of anger into compassion and we begin the healing process of fathering ourselves. (James Hollis Ph.D.)
More men are coming to therapy now than they did in the early ‘70s when I first started. It seems to me that most men who seek therapy have more emotional strength and core honesty than those who don’t. Often men who don’t show up in therapy are either too fearful to open up or are afraid of a huge emptiness they might find inside.
Coming in and sharing one’s inner life lifts an enormous ring of isolation. For some, therapy serves as a rite of passage and an initiation ritual, as they long for greater meaning in their lives. They realize that their partners cannot heal them – they must heal themselves. Once they admit to their fear, grief and anger, healing begins. Men must seek mentors who have been to the other side and have traveled the unconscious world of the Shadowland – and then they must become mentors themselves.
P.S: I just re-read Herman Hesse’s alchemical novel ‘Demian’. It’s about men’s search for meaning in life… I highly recommend it. The protagonist Sinclair deeply loves Eva, who represents the most soulful wisdom of the feminine. Here is her response (I’ve not only paraphrased, but have thrown in my own interpretations):
“Love should not ask (for love from others)
Neither shall it demand
Love has to have strength to come into its certainty within (which
comes at a certain point of the inner quest).
Then it will pull others”
She continues “Your love is pulled by me
If your love for yourself is strong….I will come.
I don’t want to give gifts
I want to be won.”
Peter Milhado © 2010
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