True Guilt, False Guilt & Sociopaths

by Peter Milhado PHD on May 25, 2018

There are people who never experience guilt. They are not, however, the lucky ones nor do we want to be around them.  The inability to feel guilt is the basic flaw of sociopaths, who are truly ‘empty souls’.  In this article I’m not writing about the criminal sociopath, who makes newspaper headlines and commits the vilest of crimes without remorse, but I want to address the so-called ‘successful sociopath’ who is in abundance in our midst.

Successful sociopaths don’t lie, because lying is not an issue- the idea of the image of truth does not exist!  They say whatever is convenient, whether it’s true or not, is never even contemplated…you get the drift?

Many sociopaths in our society are very ‘successful’ as they’re not hemmed in by worries and neurotic inhibitions.  They just go for it- whatever it may be – power, sex, money etc.  They’ll have sex with a 95-year-old woman or man to get to the money.  As they have no guilt or inhibitions they can ‘make love’ to anybody, anyplace, anytime.  Many of them have tremendous charm and charisma and are envied by many because of their apparent freedom. Their ease in social situations along with their lack of inhibitions and air of freedom makes them attractive to a lot of folks. A person, who falls in love with a sociopath, after loosing gallons of blood on the way, eventually realizes that they’ve fallen in love with nothing- with an empty soul.

Jungian analyst Craig Guggenbuehl warns that if you feel someone is marvelously tuned into you and makes you feel great, be suspicious, because sociopaths have these endearing people skills.  So if your real estate agent makes you feel absolutely wonderful and has all the right answers, it might be time to be cautious.  An agent who doesn’t know it all and appears more complicated might be a better choice.  It’s relaxing to be around certain sociopaths because you feel absolutely at ease. If you want to be free like this person or have the feeling that he or she fully ‘agrees with me’… Watch out!!

No vocation is safe from sociopaths; be it blue collar, white collar, professionals, politicians, preachers etc.  Just watch a session from Congress or turn on the religious TV channels, you’ll see plenty of them.  There are true sociopaths who compensate their sociopathy by extreme moralism – as some preachers, gurus or health professionals do.

None of us are pure.  Purity is irrational and fanatic.  All of us have a shadow as I’ve talked about so often in these articles.  Purity and decency are not the same!

Back to the hurtful and somewhat complicated emotion of guilt, of which sociopaths have none.  ‘True Guilt” is not a useless feeling…as a matter of fact it serves the individual and society.  Let’s assume the cashier at the market makes a mistake and gives me $10 bill instead of the $5 bill she owes me.  If I stash those $10 bucks in my pocket I will feel the painful emotion of guilt on my way home.  It is a signal that I have transgressed my own values and personal code of honor.  Guilt, then is a form of self-disappointment… we’ve fallen short and have failed our ideals.

Guilt is the most personal and internal of emotions…. it’s you against you.  All the significant battles are waged within the self.

From the soul perspective, guilt, even though highly personal, wants exposure.  How often have we all heard of the spouse who’s had an affair and leaves behind evidence – a phone number or lover’s note in the coat pocket, an e-mail not erased etc. Guilt needs expiation and forgiveness – only then can our souls breathe again freely and creatively.  Often we have to accept the punishment our guilty acts might incur.  Confessions obviously can be healing, but only when the attitude of atonement and remorse are present.  Guilt, from this viewpoint, becomes the guardian of our goodness…it serves the noblest and most generous character traits of our species.  (Gaylin M.D., 1979)

“False Guilt”, or neurotic guilt, is another matter and occurs when we transgress other people’s rules or values embedded in us, usually early in life, which are no longer appropriate.  For example, if we have an old rule that says  “I should always be nice and pleasant” we wind up in trouble, because life brings us situations when being “nice” is totally out of line and self-destructive, but the “nice” person feels guilt when he or she responds with anything but pleasantness.  False Guilt stops action…and often self-protection.  If we have another old rule that says, “I should never be angry” we set ourselves up for depression, anxiety, ulcers, digestive problems etc.  The ‘inner work’ sorts out true from false guilt, and therefore helps alleviate psychoneurotic symptoms.

Another form of “False Guilt’ is called ‘unearned guilt’ and goes like this… “If only I would have known then what I know now, I would have done things differently”.  The fact is that we didn’t know then what we know now and having pangs of guilt over that is a waste and unfair to oneself.  Finally, a word about the difference between guilt and shame.  Guilt occurs when we feel we have behaved badly.  Shame cuts much deeper- it’s not only that I’ve done something bad, but that “I am bad”.  More on this in another article. Knowledge can be gotten over the internet, but wisdom comes only through suffering!

As always love to Mother Meera, who represents the best of the Feminine to me… unconditional love, trust, peace and related dialogue.  One for all and all for one.

Peter Milhado © 2018

{ 0 comments }

Reflections on Innocence

by Peter Milhado PHD on November 3, 2017

There are quite a few people who are tremendously influenced by the archetype of Innocence.  After all, we are born as innocents, aren’t we?  People who believe in reincarnation might argue that point, but I’ll hang with Sheldon Kopp on this one.  He takes the ‘concept of reincarnation’ to be a symbol of the many opportunities for psychological and spiritual rebirth all of us get in this life.  Freedom comes when we become aware of how our modern society, our families and our early wounds tell us how we ‘ought’ to live our life.  Once we become conscious of these soul-wounding instructions, we can choose another script for our life altogether.

I’ve experienced that – but I’ve not experienced a past life.  For myself, I also accept the notion of Karma – which certainly could be paradoxical with meaningless suffering all around us, but like the poet said ….”I give myself the right to contradict myself!”

Carol Pearson Ph.D., whose great work this article is based on, gives us three stages 1) Original Innocence, 2) The Fall, 3) The Return to Innocence.

Original Innocence

I’ve seen too many patients in the last three decades, who desperately cling on to the state of original innocence and get devastated and bloodied up by life.  In my experience they’re very sweet souls with many virtues.   They’re usually kind, trust others and learn from them and keep hope and faith alive… They know how to have fun!

We all need to start each new beginning or endeavor with some innocence.  One of the major temptations of the “Innocent” is to ignore pain and suffering.  Denial at this level has an addictive quality.  They do not let themselves know what is really going on…this may hurt themselves and others.  Their intuition usually points to their inner truth, but they ignore it, therefore betray themselves.  There is often a tremendous need for external affirmation, giving too much power away to their bosses, husbands, wives and other so called ‘authority figures’! They trust when trust is not warranted.  The ‘Innocents’ goal is to remain in safety and their biggest fear is abandonment, which ironically, they unconsciously conspire with and set up.  The ego, in all of us, desperately clings to safety, it is the soul who wants to live!!!!  So, the shadow side of innocence is denial.  It’s too painful to acknowledge that your parent or lover can’t be trusted, that is why there is a tendency to walk back into the same abusive situation again and again and again…. If we deny we are being abused we don’t have to stand up for ourselves.   This is especially painful for children who blame themselves for being abused rather than confront the abusive parent.

In a way ‘Innocents’ are absolutists – they either hang on to purity by denying their and other people’s faults or guilt and shame controls their life.  They’re tossed back and forth between perfection and idealism or disillusionment and cynicism.  Some young women, who are anorexic or bulimic, refuse to ‘fall’ into puberty and having a woman’s body and therefore sexual body, to avoid their loss of imagined innocence.  Early sexual abuse is often in their history.  (Woodman)

Another shadow side of the ‘Innocent’ is a need to be taken care of.  If you’re that good, the universe should provide!  They have difficulties chipping a piece of the earth out for themselves.  On a deep psychological level they want to merge and go back into the womb of the “Great Mother’.  Many ‘Innocents’ had mothers who couldn’t mother.

The Fall From Innocence

If the reader can hang with a religious metaphor… the image of the Garden of Eden symbolized innocence.  When the serpent seduced Eve and Adam into eating of ‘The Tree of Knowledge’, they fell from paradise into a world of suffering and pain.  The tree of knowledge let them know that not only ‘good’ but also ‘evil’ exists.  The fall is from ‘innocence’ and ‘wholeness’ into dualism.  (Re. The realization that there is both ‘good and evil’).  For some, the serpent is a symbol of Satan, for others a symbol of consciousness.  It’s very easy to see evil around us,….the out of control violence, abuse of power,  judgement, greed at the expense of others etc.  It’s much more difficult to acknowledge that cruelty also resides within.  That’s why religious fanatics, whether in Islam, Hinduism or our own Christian religious right don’t cop to their own cruelty.  They only see it on the outside, because they are ‘Innocents’.  They misinterpret the saying by Jesus “Except ye become as little children, ye shall never enter the kingdom of heaven.”  Before you get to this place you have to take along, hard and courageous look into the mirror.  Let me tell you, I’ve seen enough spouses, children, neighbors and acquaintances of these religious zealots to know different.  They are mean and cruel suckers.  If we project our faults unto others we don’t have to change!  I have no doubt that that ignorant maniac Osama Bin Laden thinks himself an ‘Innocent’ – but the bitter and sad truth here is that most of our national leadership in business and government also do   – we haven’t had soulful leadership in this country for many, many, many moons.

Return To Innocence

The fact is none of us live in Paradise and none of us are pure innocents in this world.  There is inevitable failure in all of our lives.  We all get hurt, whether it is by teachers, parents who abuse power, or by tragedies that we have no control over.   All human beings experience major betrayals, it’s on the map for all of us.   If we continue to unconsciously cling to ‘Innocence’, our thirties and forties give us another shot at realizing the ‘Fall’:

- a woman puts her husband through law school and he leaves her for a trophy wife

- a husband slaves at a burdensome job to support his wife and children… and she absolutely needs a divorce to ‘find herself’

- after 20 years of preparing for your vocation as a Psychologist a twenty-two year old clerk hired by the intrusive and greed based managed health care insurance company tells you how to treat your patients – otherwise they’ll ‘cut you off’.

The truth as I know it is that we cannot develop depth without pain…. We cannot live life without risk.  People who want to be safe at all costs have lost passion and are overtaken by emptiness.  Eventually, many ‘Innocents’ realize that challenging their anxiety and fears is less painful then accepting the status quo of a chronic depression.

So, as with any other archetype, virtue or attitude towards life, what is critical is whether we are conscious or unconscious about its influence on our life.  If we unconsciously cling to ‘Innocence’ we end up in major trouble and betray ourselves as well as others.  On the other side, we need to be able to stay consciously connected to ‘Innocence’ through the ‘Fall’ until the end of the journey in this life.  Unconscious ‘Innocents’ need to become wise in the ways of the world.  On a deepest spiritual level it is safe to trust, but don’t leave your wallet or purse on a park bench while you go to the Post Office – even in Libbey Park.  They need to be able to size up others realistically, not on how they wish them to be.  Like all, they have to be able to deal with disillusionment, failure and defeat as well as experience rage, sorrow, despair and primal sexuality.

The conscious and healthy ‘Innocents’ are able to forgive themselves when they make mistakes and ‘fall’.  They become wiser and less naïve as they journey through life.  They have faith and hope when the world seems bleakest.  It is only in a state of innocence that mystical experiences and miracles happen.  To the conscious innocent, dreams are letters of the soul.  Deep inside our souls is Eros, a life force of energy and passion.  Only through spontaneity, courageous openness and innocence can we get to it.  Another worldwide symbol of innocence is the ‘Virgin’ which doesn’t necessarily imply physical chastity, but rather a state of wholeness – one who is in herself or himself whole- not the property of any man or woman.

One for all and all for one. Love to Mother Meera

Peter Milhado © 2015

{ 0 comments }

I Don’t Want to Be Part of This Revolution if I Can’t Dance

October 3, 2017

Are you a Fool?  For God’s sake let’s hope so, because it is the Fool inside of us who lives more in the ‘here and now’ than any of the many of our ‘inner personalities’.  The Fool inside doesn’t care whether we’re good looking enough, healthy enough, wealthy enough, working hard enough, smart enough, man [...]

0 comments Read the full article →

Reflections on Creativity

September 3, 2017

When we’re involved in a creative task, there is a sense of time. Being fully in the now is a blessing that keeps our soul alive, because in that moment we are in touch with the eternal, we hone into home.  Matisse said, “I believe in God when I’m working.”  The great mystic William Blake [...]

0 comments Read the full article →

Are You Afraid of Your Own Shadow?

August 2, 2017

In the darkness of anything external to me, I find an interior psychic life that is my own. (C.G. Jung) One of the most painful and rewarding experiences in life is to unblinkingly look in the mirror and see who we really are, not who we would like to be.  There we truly stand alone; [...]

0 comments Read the full article →

Where Is Your Passion?

December 12, 2015

“What Fascinates and Terrifies At The Same Time Is The Way Of The Soul” -Unknown Poet   Obviously this statement doesn’t suggest that we act out some form of neurotic or deviant obsession, nor is it a call to sell the farm and hightail it to Tahiti with a 22-year-old.  This poetic line refers to [...]

8 comments Read the full article →

Can you Forgive Yourself? Can You Forgive Others?

October 12, 2015

L et’s just hope the old saying ‘the darkest hour is before dawn’ is true, because 2008 has been a very dark year. What on earth is going on in our present day culture ? Our outgoing administration, who suffered from the disease of conceit, has left a hell of a mess behind. Poverty, homelessness, [...]

4 comments Read the full article →

How Is Your Relationship?

August 12, 2015

The Past Does Matter When It Raises Havoc In The Present When we fall in love, we never think this source of joy will ever come to an end. Why is it then so rare for a couple to grow old together in continuing love, a love that lasts a lifetime ? It seems the [...]

2 comments Read the full article →

The Age of Anxiety

June 12, 2015

W H. Auden tagged this time in history as ‘The Age of Anxiety’ and I understood what that meant when I lived and worked in L.A. from the mid-seventies to the late eighties. What I saw then still is true today. A lot of people racing around in frantic activity, going from meeting to meeting, [...]

5 comments Read the full article →

Pssssssstttt……..Want a Little ECSTASY?!

June 6, 2015

Gotcha!! Relax, I’m not talking about the drug nor am I inviting you to a rave. However, I am talking about that awesome human experience called joyful Ecstasy… that divine gift that lifts us out of our ordinary reality and man, can we use some lifting these days. Ecstasy and joy have transformative power, which [...]

2 comments Read the full article →